Ari Sen-Kouen (Complete)

Elite Novice Posts : 40 Age : 26 Join date : 2013-11-06

|BASICS|
Name: Ari Sen-Kouen
Age: 23
Birthplace: Village near the Eastern Air Temple
Current Residence: Unknown
Rank: Bender
Occupation: Unknown
Element: Fire + Light

|PETS/MOUNTS|

Name: Ji
Age: 5
Picture:

Spoiler:

Personality: Ji is a primal beast who is entirely broken towards Ari. It lives in fear of its master and only does as its told when its told. Even when Ari calls its name, Ji panics and scurries to him in complete cowardice.
Brief History: Ji was a wild Wolf-stallion, a wild animal that hunts like a wolf with the size and body of a horse. It was caught in a trap where Ari himself broke the beast using brute force and pure malice. Eventually the beast feared Ari to the point that it would never disobey for fear of its life.

|WEAPONS|
Name: (Name of the weapon)
Picture: (What does your weapon look like?)
Brief History: (History of the weapon)

|OPTIONAL|
Birthday: 09/21
Blood type: A-
Hobbies: (Your character's hobbies or interests)
Quirks: Bends pink fire
Family: Taron Sen-Kouen
Character Theme: (A theme song you think best matches your character)

|APPEARANCE|
Hair: Ari has wild crimson hair with two strands going down on each side of his head.
Eyes: He has blood red eyes that stare with a cold anger.
Height: 6'8(slouches to look 6'4)
Clothes: Ari wears all black, at least for the most part. His shirt is a long sleeve shirt and black pants and shoes. He sometimes wears a coat with fur along the hood lining.
Skin: He has smooth pale skin until you see under his clothes and you will notice a plethora of scars and burns(the burns are self inflicted to cauterize wounds)
Body Type: He has a completely solid body, despite how thin it is.
Image:

Spoiler:

|CHARACTERISTICS|
Personality: Ari is a calm collected man. Though his temper is something that is hard to control. He is intimidatingly solemn and very quiet. He is quick to use violence if the need comes but he would rather let his older brother talk a situation out. He has respect and fear of his brother combined with a hatred a younger sibling could have. He despises that his older brother, despite his smaller stature and marginally weaker, as he is the only one to beat him barely in each fight. He doesn't attach well to people other than his brother. He works hard to keep his brothers vision in view and possible. Ari respects those who show their strength and co-operation with his brothers plan. Outside of being his older brothers lap dog he doesn't have many other noticeable traits.

Personal Strengths:
- He never quits until he succeeds at the task at hand.
Personal Weaknesses:
- As soon as he sees his brother get hit, all of his anger unleashes at both his brother and the person who hit him.
- His stubbornness makes him easily fight an enemy he knows he can't win.
Hamartia:
- Doesn't pay attention to the damage they have taken and never backs down despite being way over there heads.
Personal Hero: Secretly his brother Taron
Dreams and Ambitions: Aris dream is simple, he wants to keep his brothers dream alive.

Likes:
- He likes eating anything that isn't meat.
- He respects his brother and is protective of him

Dislikes:
- He dislikes eating meat as he is a vegetarian.
- He dislikes anyone hurting his brother in any way(Besides himself)
- He hates seeing his brother over calculate and fail at a plan.

Brief History: Ari and his brother Taron were born into a family that was once a noble family only for them to lose their status due to their mother being found out that she cheated on her husband to have her two sons. She was thrown out of the family before she gave birth to the older of the two, Taron. She left the village she was from with her two sons after to travel. At age 5 Ari lost his mother to disease so his older brother Taron would take care of them by himself. Once that had happened they turned into thugs who did what they wanted whenever they wanted.

Once Ari turned turned 12 he started to learn how to firebend and become much more aggressive towards anyone who tried to pick a fight with him and his brother. He was known as a violent brute who only cared about feeding himself, at the time not even his brother. He only started to care for his brother when they were wandering and got caught by a pack of wolf stallions, where Taron led them to a place to hide and used his wits to mask their scent where they had actually retreated.

Five years after that, weeks before his 18th birthday, he went out hunting for the same pack of wolf stallions to get his revenge. His bending had improved and he had turned into the cold person he is now. He hunted by himself the alpha of said pack and captured it. Over the course of the weeks he had broken the beast with his frightening and intimidating demeanor. He kept this beast as one of his prized possessions.

He had fought his brother on many occasions, almost always losing and wounding himself in some way. He had actually learned on instict that he could bend light after he was brutally wounded by his older brother in one of their combats, where Ari sword to help his brother in any way from a newfound respect for his non-bender companion. He is still learning how to light bend, but he does know one trick where he can keep his fire from giving off light as he bends it.

Elite Novice Posts : 40 Age : 26 Join date : 2013-11-06

Complete =3

Subject: Re: Ari Sen-Kouen (Complete) Wed Jan 10, 2018 8:00 pm

This...character is seriously all over the place. I know I used to just slap the old "Approved" on anything back in the day. But being older, working on being published, has imbued me with some higher standards and this...well, let's begin.

1. Personality. It's...it's all over the place. The first sentence of the personality. Says he is calm and collected. Is this at the same time as being a blood thirsty sociopath? You describe your character as, and I quote

Quote :: "his temper is something that is hard to control. He is intimidatingly solemn and very quiet. He is quick to use violence if the need comes but he would rather let his older brother talk a situation out"

ALSO

Quote :: "He came to be known as a violent brute who cared about feeding himself at the time, and not even his brother."

That is not calm and collected. Not even remotely close. That's a raging maniac.

Also on the topic of his brother? Does your character hate or like his brother?

Quote :: He has respect and fear of his brother combined with a hatred a younger sibling could have. He despises that his older brother, despite his smaller stature and marginally weaker, as he is the only one to beat him barely in each fight. He doesn't attach well to people other than his brother. He works hard to keep his brothers vision in view and possible. Ari respects those who show their strength and co-operation with his brothers plan.

Seriously. He hates his guts. Couldn't be bothered to worry about feeding him. You use the word hatred. Yet his brother is his personal hero. His brother is his boss. Not even severely stockholmed people hate their captors, they only learn to love them. Your character needs to figure out his relationship with his brother. He cannot equally hate him to the point of rage, and love and support him at the same time.

Quote :: Personal Weaknesses:
- As soon as he sees his brother get hit, all of his anger unleashes at both his brother and the person who hit him.

That's not a weakness it's a character trait. Also if he doesn't care about his brother, why does he get mad at the person who hurt his brother? If he's calm, why the fuck does he get mad at all?

Quote :: Personal Hero: Secretly his brother Taron
Dreams and Ambitions: Aris dream is simple, he wants to keep his brothers dream alive.

That isn't consistent with the character. At all. Your entire character lacks consistency.

Quote :: Likes:
- He likes eating anything that isn't meat.
- He respects his brother and is protective of him

Dislikes:
- He dislikes eating meat as he is a vegetarian.
- He dislikes anyone hurting his brother in any way(Besides himself)
- He hates seeing his brother over calculate and fail at a plan.

These are not likes and dislikes. The inverse of a like, is a very, very shitty way of getting a dislike. Again, mostly these are character traits. And the brother thing still makes no sense.

Quote :: Personality: Ji is a primal beast who is entirely broken towards Ari. It lives in fear of its master and only does as its told when its told. Even when Ari calls its name, Ji panics and scurries to him in complete cowardice.
Brief History: Ji was a wild Wolf-stallion, a wild animal that hunts like a wolf with the size and body of a horse. It was caught in a trap where Ari himself broke the beast using brute force and pure malice. Eventually the beast feared Ari to the point that it would never disobey for fear of its life.

That is not calm and collected. That is an abusive sociopath. Also, Alpha's would never be 5. Depending on the life span of the animal, 5 is still relatively young to be running a pack, or too fucking old. A wolf lives on average 5-6 years, making your Wolf Stallion too old to lead. He's either be dead or dying. And either way, by the time he's 23, if he met the creature at 18, the creature would be dead.

BUT, if you made it more horse than wolf (pictures aren't showing up btw) a horse lives on average of 25-30 years, where 5 would still practically be a child.

Quote :: Quirks: Bends pink fire

I don't ever remember approving this or a claim being made.

Quote :: Height: 6'8(slouches to look 6'4)

That's a low fucking slouch. Also how did he grow that tall eating nothing but vegetables and fruits? Also, if Taron is almost a 3/4 of a foot shorter than him, how is he any form of a threat? Bending aside?

Quote :: Body Type: He has a completely solid body, despite how thin it is.

That's an oxymoron and makes no sense.

Quote :: Eyes: He has blood red eyes that stare with a cold anger.

That is still not calm or collected in anyway.

2. History. Yeah, it gets worse.

Quote :: Ari and his brother Taron were born into a family that was once a noble family only for them to lose their status due to their mother being found out that she cheated on her husband to have her two sons. She was thrown out of the family before she gave birth to the older of the two, Taron. She left the village she was from with her two sons after to travel.

...I don't even know where to. Okay, time to math. She got thrown out for cheating and having two kids. But, and I literally fucking quote, "she was thrown out of the family before she gave birth to the older of the two." The older of the two, meaning the younger wasn't born yet. Therefore, she wouldn't have been thrown out for cheating twice, just once. She also wouldn't have left with two sons.

Also, typically, when a nobleman's wife cheated on him, it was kept secret as not to disclose the great shame brought on the family. The woman was sent away, and paid off handsomely to keep her mouth shut. Or the kids were raised as his own. Or killed. Or shipped off to an orphanage.

Quote :: become much more aggressive towards anyone who tried to pick a fight with him and his brother. He was known as a violent brute who only cared about feeding himself, at the time not even his brother. He only started to care for his brother when they were wandering and got caught by a pack of wolf stallions, where Taron led them to a place to hide and used his wits to mask their scent where they had actually retreated.

Why? How? How did he get violent? What turned him like that? What pushed him to being a violent fucking sociopath? Fire bending isn't a reason. Also, seriously, stay consistent with that fucking brother thing. Seriously.

Quote :: Five years after that, weeks before his 18th birthday, he went out hunting for the same pack of wolf stallions to get his revenge. His bending had improved and he had turned into the cold person he is now. He hunted by himself the alpha of said pack and captured it.

Again. Why? What point does it serve? How does it add to the character as a whole except to serve as an excuse for him to be the opposite of calm and collected and be an absolute fucking sociopath? Also. That alpha, Jin, which is 5, would've been a baby or not even born, if it's 5, 5 years after the original attack. Also if you're protecting your older brother, why does he boss you around? You're clearly the one in charge. Also, 12+5 is 17, not 18.

Quote :: He had fought his brother on many occasions, almost always losing and wounding himself in some way. He had actually learned on instict that he could bend light after he was brutally wounded by his older brother in one of their combats, where Ari sword to help his brother in any way from a newfound respect for his non-bender companion.

Why? Also if his brother always beats him, how did Ari almost kill his brother? Also, if he almost killed the brother he hates, why is scared of him? If he beat him once he can do it again. This sounds really OP. Also, why does he swear? What makes him swear to his brother? Winning is not a reason to pledge yourself to the loser!

Quote :: He is still learning how to light bend, but he does know one trick where he can keep his fire from giving off light as he bends it.

Who okayed that as possible??

Quote :: Outside of being his older brothers lap dog he doesn't have many other noticeable traits.

Literally anything from above can disprove that. Literally. Fucking. Anything.

Fix this flaming dumpster fire.

I also have very little, to no faith in giving you a plot character after seeing this. I looked the other way on the Ancients, which I found yours barely passable for a plot character, because it was the first character back after a break.

This though? Does absolutely nothing to inspire my confidence in you, or your ideas. And I want to see some serious improvement before I even begin to consider your idea for the plot.

I'm sorry but it had to be said. You cannot just build character around tropes and making people look cool. It doesn't work like that. People have reasons.

And you have robbed my reason to live.

I told you to wait for a reason.

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